【溫州新航道雅思托福培訓(xùn)學(xué)?！?577-咨詢溫州新航道英語培訓(xùn)學(xué)校隸屬于溫州新航道學(xué)校毗鄰溫州雅思，享受溫州安靜和舒適的校園環(huán)境，秉承“學(xué)術(shù)；勵志；激情”的先進(jìn)教學(xué)理念，沿用各地新航道培訓(xùn)的模式，采取高能的教育方法，為溫州地區(qū)留學(xué)生英語能力和留學(xué)提供強(qiáng)勁動力，在線預(yù)約可享試聽免費(fèi)體驗(yàn)課程，更多課程詳情請咨詢值班老師?。?/p>雅思大作文5.5分到7分需要做哪些修改?

摘要：

　Task 2題目

　　“The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. To what extent do you agree or disagree?”

　　本期學(xué)生習(xí)作原文

　　The concept of leadership is still built so much on age. It assumed that with age comes wisdom, whereas many forward-thinking tech companies require is youthful energy, knowledge and enthusiasm. To my mind, young people can be leaders as long as they are great ones.

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are rated significantly more than their old counterparts in several aspects. Young people are constantly looking for new ways to work smarter and produce higher-quality work. It is possibly a result of having less attachment to the past compared to the old people. So they are always trying to improve. Meanwhile, they are more inspiring. When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers. Additionally, young people are more open to the novelty. They tend to welcome new ideas and put them into action to testify if they will be workable or not.

　　Furthermore, the newly-rising and increasing talented and young entrepreneurs mean a shift to younger leadership. It is unnecessary to wait until the age of 50 to run a company or employ staff now. Some young people are seizing the day and contributing its great part to the society. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, started the Facebook when he was still in University and now becomes CEO of the big company at such young age, less than 30. We have every reason to believe that leadership is not defined and evidenced by older age.

　　Admittedly, young people will encounter some barriers being a leader. Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees. Anyway, what makes a great leader? Certainly not age, in this sense, we could welcome young leaders in every field. 

　　修改建議

　　能用語言表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)，邏輯清晰，結(jié)構(gòu)合理，詞匯相對豐富，舉例論述非常生動。本文存在的問題是：

　　1、語法錯誤較多，如句式不正確，搭配錯誤等，造成了理解上的障礙，限制了句子寫作觀念，根除流水句現(xiàn)象；

　　2、語言組織不夠緊湊，略顯拖沓，建議語言表達(dá)更加直接，具體，有力度。本文若能解決語法錯誤的問題，可至6.5分；語言思維若能更凝練，可至7分；若全文句式更為靈活，表達(dá)更有個性，可至7-7.5分。

        唐老師修改     

　　The concept of leadership is still built so much on age. It assumed that with age comes wisdom, whereas many forward-thinking tech companies require is youthful energy, knowledge and enthusiasm. To my mind, young people can be leaders as long as they are great ones.

　　Leaders and managers of companies or institutions are often older people as it is assumed that age comes with wisdom and ability. However, from my point of view, young people, full of energy and enthusiasm, can also be a leader.

　　點(diǎn)評

　　本段開門見山，引出話題，表明自己的觀點(diǎn)。語言需凝練。劃線部分的語法錯誤有點(diǎn)過于突出。

　　句表達(dá)抽象，所以不太準(zhǔn)確。It assumed應(yīng)為it is assumed...; many...companies require is youthful energy... 是雙謂語動詞，可修改為many...companies require youthful energy, ...或者，what many...companies require is youth energy...這種錯誤太明顯了，應(yīng)該避免。

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are rated significantlymore than their old counterparts in several aspects. Young people are constantly looking for new ways to work smarter and produce higher-quality work. It is possibly a result of having less attachment to the past compared to the old people. So they are always trying to improve. Meanwhile, they are more inspiring. When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers. Additionally, young people are more open to the novelty. They tend to welcome new ideas and put them into action to testify if they will be workable or not.

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are more capable thantheir older counterparts in several aspects. Firstly, young people are more likely to solve problems in an innovative way which promotes the quality of work, while older leaders, restricted by their out-of-date experiences, are unwilling to make any change in their way of managing things. Secondly, young leaders often adopt an encouraging and inspiring strategy to motivate their colleagues, such as providing more opportunities to participate in international cooperations; however, older leaders are often too harsh to make their instructions acceptable and effective. Additionally, young leaders are open-minded and always welcome new ideas. They like to put their new ideas into action and testify if these ideas are practical or not, which may lead to unexpected benefits.

　　點(diǎn)評：

　　本段論述的觀點(diǎn)較為明確，但是語法錯誤不少，此外語言不夠凝練，使得邏輯不清晰。請關(guān)注劃線部分及其修改。尤其注意本段把原文的邏輯層次梳理得更為清楚。

　　(1) young leaders are rated significantly more than their old counterparts in several aspects.

　　本句意在表明年輕領(lǐng)導(dǎo)比年紀(jì)大的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)在一些方面更有，然而more than表示‘更多’的意思。

　　(2)work 是動詞，后面應(yīng)該用副詞修飾，可用smartly。

　　(3) improve是及物動詞，后面需要有賓語。

　　(4) When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers.

　　Lead by pulling/ by pushing 的表達(dá)錯誤，lead 是及物動詞，后面需要加賓語。The receivers的表達(dá)造成理解困難。

　　Furthermore, the newly-rising and increasing talented and youngentrepreneurs mean a shift to younger leadership. It is unnecessary to wait until the age of 50 to run a company or employ staff now. Some young people are seizing the day and contributing its great part to the society. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, started the Facebook when he was still in University and now becomes CEO of the big company at such young age, less than 30. We have every reason to believe that leadership is not defined and evidenced by older age.

　　Furthermore, the rapid increasing of high-tech entrepreneurs around the worldindicates a shift from traditional leadership to modern leadership, which shows more possibilities for young people to run a company at a very young age. The success of Facebook is well-known all over the world, and the founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, started his business with great passion and innovation when he was still in university. As we can see, young people are more talented in high-tech entrepreneurs and are likely to be successful with their innovation and passion towards new things.

　　點(diǎn)評：

　　總體意思明確，但是表達(dá)過于拖沓，導(dǎo)致語言沒有力度。

　　（1）the newly-rising and increasing talented and young 一連串的修飾，導(dǎo)致表達(dá)混亂。

　?。?）every reason搭配錯誤，可用sufficient reasons

　　Admittedly, young people will encounter some barriers being a leader. Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees.Anyway, what makes a great leader? Certainly not age, in this sense, we could welcome young leaders in every field.

　　Admittedly, as young people are less experienced in management, they may encounter lots of barriers of being a leader. But with the help of their innovation, passion and hardworking as well as the dramatic development of new technology, they can be good leaders.

　　點(diǎn)評：　　

　　后總結(jié)段不建議提出新觀點(diǎn)，對上文論述的觀點(diǎn)進(jìn)行總結(jié)即可。

　　(1) Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees.

　　And應(yīng)當(dāng)連接兩個并列成分。

　　(2) what makes a great leader? Certainly not age,

　　一問一答，是完整的兩個句子。Age后面應(yīng)該用句號。語法錯誤。

　　Leaders and managers of companies or institutions are often older people as it is assumed that age comes with wisdom and ability. However, from my point of view, young people, full of energy and enthusiasm, can also be a leader.

　　A study conducted by Leadership Development Consultancy points out that young leaders are more capable than their older counterparts in several aspects. Firstly, young people are more likely to solve problems in an innovative way which promotes the quality of work, while older leaders, restricted by their out-of-date experiences, are unwilling to make any change in their way of managing things. Secondly, young leaders often adopt an encouraging and inspiring strategy to motivate their colleagues, such as providing more opportunities to participate in international cooperation; however, older leaders are often too harsh to make their instructions acceptable and effective. Additionally, young leaders are open-minded and always welcome new ideas. They like to put their new ideas into action and testify if these ideas are workable or not, which may lead to unexpected benefits.

　　Furthermore, the rapid increasing of high-tech entrepreneurs around the world indicates a shift from traditional leadership to modern leadership, which shows more possibilities for young people to run a company at a very young age. The success of Facebook is well-known all over the world, and the founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, started his business with great passion and innovation when he was still in university. As we can see, young people are more talented in high-tech entrepreneurs and are likely to be successful with their innovation and passion towards new things.

　　Admittedly, as young people are less experienced in management, they may encounter lots of barriers of being a leader. But with the help of their innovation, passion and hardworking as well as the dramatic development of new technology, they can be good leaders.

      修改后文章評分：7